KRIS JASPER

I am supposed to write about our London Trip but I was a bit annoyed with what transpired last Sunday so I might as well post about it first.


Sunday was when I woke up after 5 hours sleep (Closed my eyes at 12, opened my eyes at 5) and I still decided to go to work. Working at weekends is like a holiday for me. So on that paid vacation I wear my TopMAn shirt, TopMan cross, beaded choker given to me by Maureen, FCUK jeans, RiverIsland belt, Gap flipflops (Boots when I arrived and went home but flip flops while at work, it was a warm day so it was ok) and that wristband from TopMan that reminds me I'm human afterall.


I look like that (or I should say, that is me)..



And another one for free....

Yesterday was Monday and I wore my TopMAn shirt, Gap scarf, Armani jeans and Doc Mart's boots.

Sunday PM was when our staff asked me if I take tablets to lose weight, another reckoned I am bulimic.

I was appalled. I considered isolating myself in the office- the office where I always think to take refuge if I feel weak, or maybe hide in the medicine room until I hear silence again.

But I wont, I dont run away from my demons.

I am no longer that 7 year old boy who was always frightened of the school bullies as they try to take my chocolates away, or when they try to steal my games or when they try to knock off my personality.

Or that teenager who will just retreat in my room every after argument I had with my family for reasons I can no longer recall.

4 years ago, I killed my soul... I have buried my sanity.

I am numb, emotionless...

I would like to cry for the things I want my Dad to know and my sis to realize and my A to appreciate but I'd keep it in silence-

I would like to weep for the words I want to tell my mum, but has no chance of saying it now.

I would suffer for broken dreams and cry for shattered mirrors, scarred sentiments, diminished passions-

I hope to cry for my ruined clothes, stale and cold food and ugly taken photos-

I would like to cry for those fats that I burn, sweat that I wipe, feces that I flush.

But I wont cry... I refuse to cry.

So I continue eating, still listen to their other mumbles, pretend to suffer in silence and when I had enough I tell them that just because I am good looking and dont feel anything, that doesnt mean I dont get a "little bit" affected.

I then swallowed a piece of potato chip and I feel better.

These are 2 of the reasons why I shrunk:

1. My common meal since Sunday(a piece of carrot plus a packet of crisp)

Everybody is cruel to me.
I am scarred.

I suffer in silence.

Today is Tuesday, A met me in Starbucks after work. Then we went home. Then we ate our tea. Then I checked my blog. Then A got annoyed. Then we argued.

Then I told A I. dont. bleedin'. care.

I am scarred

I suffer in silence.

A. will. be. dead.